Seven things the usually brilliant Roger Federer definitely CAN’T do
We are missing Roger Federer, although also still kind of angry at him for taking himself away from us. Therefore, it’s time to look at all the things he can’t do.
Milk a cow
Roger Federer was presented with a cow at the Swiss Open 2003 after he became the first player from the country to win Wimbledon. It was a gift. A 764lb gift named Juliette.
“Now I need to find a garage for a cow, although I have no idea what a cow garage looks like,” Federer joked at the time.
He never got his cow garage. Juliette lived at a dairy farm and died just two years later of old age. Not before she had a calf, though, who Feds named Eidelweiss. Sadly, she’s gone too now. The current status of Eidelweiss’ own calf is currently unknown.
Play the violin
Roger Federer can’t play the violin. That’s just about all you need to know about that.
Do an American accent
The violin image is, of course, from a television commercial, which is something Feds is very prolific – and good – at. Perhaps his most humorous was when he donned a comedy fake moustache and American accent to go incognito for a Wilson advert.
Naturally, we use the term ‘American accent’ in its loosest possible sense, because it seems to be entirely restricted to the word “partner”.
Pull off a ponytail
I’m sorry, Roger, but we have to talk about this. I know, I know, we all get carried away a bit in our youth when we think we can pull off a ridiculous haircut or two but just don’t know enough to know that we actually can’t.
You can’t pull this off Roger and never could. At least you never tried a topknot though.
Pull off a topknot
Bit awkward, to be honest.
Yes, Roger Federer did try the topknot. It actually predates the ponytail and, some cynics would say, his Nike deal which seemed to come with head-wear.
Whether or not Nike did us any favours with this, I don’t know, but either way he wasn’t exactly pulling it off.
Make any good hair decision for himself
We are committed now, so might as well go the whole way. It’s fair to say that Rog has never really excelled when put in charge of his own hair.
Left to his own devices, bad things happen…
Smoulder intensely – despite what The Rock says
Sorry Feds, The Rock is just humouring you!
— Roger Federer (@rogerfederer) January 12, 2018
When you’re the GOAT there is no wrong brother. Perfect form
— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) January 12, 2018
Carlos Alcaraz reveals severity of his injury and when he will return to action
Carlos Alcaraz has divulged the results of an MRI scan on the injury he suffered in Rio.
Holger Rune reunites with Patrick Mouratoglou as he reaffirms his huge goals
“With him I have achieved some of the greatest triumphs of my career so far.”
Andy Murray set for ranking drop as he declares ‘this game isn’t for me anymore’ in brutal loss
Andy Murray’s ranking is set to suffer after his painful, marathon loss in Doha.
Novak Djokovic secures astonishing ranking milestone involving Rafael Nadal
Novak Djokovic is set to achieve a staggering ranking statistic.
Stan Wawrinka gives telling Novak Djokovic verdict as he answers GOAT question
“I know how hard it was to win with Federer, Nadal and Djokovic in the draws.”
‘Jannik Sinner shares champion’s mentality with Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal’, feels former world No 8
“That’s the champion’s mentality. These guys are always looking to get better.”
What Carlos Alcaraz’s Rio misfortune means for Novak Djokovic and Jannik Sinner in ATP Rankings race
Novak Djokovic set to stay at No 1 while Jannik Sinner is breathing down Carlos Alcaraz’s neck.
Andy Murray issues ‘huge apology’ to his wife ‘for whatever I was doing to her mouth’
Trust Andy Murray to pipe up with a funny comment about his first-ever ATP title win.
WATCH: ATP player suffers incredible meltdown – A racket smash, a point penalty and ‘a bit of fortune’
Botic van de Zandschulp had a second set to forget in Qatar.
WATCH: Carlos Alcaraz has a ‘ball on his ankle’ after unfortunate Rio Open incident
It was a painful one for Carlos Alcaraz in Rio.